“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything” (Ephesians 5:22-24). For many women, this is not an easy verse to read. And it’s even harder to follow. Are wives really supposed to submit in all respects? I feel called to share my experience.
I want to start by saying that these verses are not meant to be cherry-picked, as they often are. If you keep reading, the very next verses describe the husband’s role, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for her…” (Ephesians 5:25). So men are to love their wives as Christ loved the church, and since Christ died for the church, that tells us that men are to love their wives sacrificially. A husband needs to care about how his wife feels in all respects.
In my own experience, early in my marriage, I was aware of the verses in Ephesians, but my husband wasn’t. He also was not nearly as far along in his walk with God as I was, nor seeking Him in the way I was. This led me to submit to my husband in everything, because I believed I was supposed to regardless of whether he was leading us in a godly way or not. Our family was severely damaged from having a spiritual leader who lacked compassion and spiritual wisdom. My silence toward things that were happening and were clearly wrong, only exacerbated the problem.
Here is my story. Even though it is hard for me to share, I would like to share it in hopes that it can bring some light to others in a similar situation and help them understand how important it is that the verses in Ephesians only be taken together.
My dad sent me a DVD series called “Love and Respect.” This made our relationship take a nearly permanent turn for the worse. My husband, when we first met, viewed us as equals. That view promptly changed upon watching this series. From then on, he started acting differently. He suddenly seemed to think that he was the only one in the family who needed respect, that he deserved it no matter what, and that he was being mistreated if he didn’t receive it. The seminar put a similar emphasis on women and love, so my husband figured he covered that by having feelings of love toward me. He didn’t know at the time that love is a verb, which requires specific actions to accompany the feelings. If one is spiritually immature when they hear about this concept of love and respect, it is easy for them to misunderstand it in this way. As my husband later read more verses that changed his view of me, such as the one that says women are the weaker vessel, he became more sure of himself and his need for respect.
Over the years, our children continued to suffer from his authoritarian parenting, and my submission to him and his ways led to me losing myself. We were arguing so much, he was constantly putting me down, and my suffering became so great that I wanted to end my life. I went to a very spiritually dark place for the month following that, and my mother had to come stay with us during that time, as I was not able to care for the children or do much of anything productive. To make a long story short, my joy was spontaneously returned through prayer and I was myself again.
We went to a Christian marriage counselor for a while after that, and the counselor suggested that I do the discipline and my husband back me up. For a time, since I was the one who was more qualified, I was the spiritual leader of the family and the one who disciplined the children. It was a lot on my plate, but I could not allow my family to be destroyed in the way I allowed him to destroy us in the past. This was many years ago now, everyone has done a lot of healing, and my husband has been seeking God and growing spiritually. He has taken interest in his role as spiritual leader, and I can trust him to discipline the children in an appropriate way now. Things are still not perfect, and I still have to fight from time to time, albeit not nearly as often.
Things did not get better until I was willing to stand up for my children and myself. I do not believe that those verses in Ephesians were ever meant to be taken separately. The man must love his wife sacrificially, never asking her to do something that would make her feel uncomfortable. When a man gently leads his family, they instinctively want to submit to him. Conversely, when he tries to lead with an iron fist and not with the love of Christ, they naturally want to fight against him, and I believe they must. Many times, a husband who is power-hungry is not able to be reasoned with as he will justify everything he does in an attempt to hold onto his pride. Therefore, a woman must be willing to separate from her husband. This does not mean to divorce him or start seeing someone else. It means to show him that he cannot live with his family and enjoy them unless he is going to treat them right. Too many church leaders preach that you must stay and suffer with your husband unless he physically abuses you, cheats on you, and/or abandons you. They are right in that you do need to stay married so long as it depends on you, but they are wrong in that you must live together in the same house suffering endlessly. Many people view a separation as the first step in a divorce, but it needn’t be viewed that way. Sometimes it is appropriate to give the husband space and time alone to let him reflect on things and determine what is important and what he really wants in life. When done this way, a separation can lead to a healthier marriage in the end.
In conclusion, it is important to remember that the verses in Ephesians are describing the role of a woman, AND of a man, in a godly marriage. One cannot function without the other. If a woman is submitting to a man who is not loving her sacrificially, then this is a situation that often leads to abuse. Likewise, if a man is sacrificing everything for his wife, and she is not submitting to him, then his emotional health is at risk. In each of these scenarios, the spouse who is not receiving what they should in the marriage will eventually lose their self-worth and will suffer greatly, to the detriment of the marriage and the children involved.
